What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 07:29
But it wasn’t much.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I don,t even have a pension.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why is every human messed up in some way?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But, we were locked up after school.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Why is there so much evil in the world?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Are you already having anal sex?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She married twice! .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I have no regrets .
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I think the readers, may guess!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was seconnd youngest,
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was very sick at this time too.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She found it foreign!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So whats the point in blame.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My life is so biszare .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She loved him until the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We were not on the streets..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
What did i know ?
She was in good health!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i lived it daily.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When she asked me how she looked .
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why did i forgive my father ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.